by Jody Bruner
Think you’re a pretty good writer? See if you can revise this sentence to make it clear and simple. Send your suggested rewrite to jody.bruner@wavelength.training. Our editorial committee will select the winner and we’ll publish the top entries.
Good luck!
“The purpose of this guidance is to inform pension plan administrators of the ABCD supervisory approach regarding certain requirements associated with the defined benefit (DB) provision of a pension plan, which is frozen and has purchased annuities in respect of all of the DB entitlements under the plan and almost all of those annuities meet the requirements of Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act (PBA).”
This guidance is intended to inform ABCD pension plan administrators of the supervisory approach of the frozen defined benefit (DB) plan provision and its purchased annuities, including those that meet the requirements of Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act (PBA).
To: Pension Plan Administrators
To meet requirements of the ABCD supervisory approach, almost all the annuities purchased under the defined benefit (DB) provision of a pension plan which is frozen meet the requirements of Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act (PBA).
This guidance is to inform the ABCD’s approach that all the purchased annuities of defined benefit(DB) plan meet the requirements of section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act(PBA).
The goal of this guidance is to inform pension plan administrators of the ABCD supervisory approach with regard to specific requirements for a defined benefit (DB) provision of a pension plan that is frozen and has purchased annuities in respect of all DB entitlements under the plan, almost all of those annuities meeting the requirements of Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act (PBA).
Defined benefit guidance for the ABCD supervisory approach for pension plan administrators: Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act sets out the requirements for frozen and purchased annuities held within a pension plan’s defined benefit entitlements.
Thanks for your submissions! I’ll post winning entries before the end of the month. Jody
This sentence contains many ambiguities and can’t be clarified without the editor having to make unacceptable assumptions.
That’s true! I’m fine with you making assumptions.
As it is taking over the world, I asked ChatGPT to generate a suggested rewrite:
“This guidance informs pension plan administrators of the ABCD regulatory approach for certain requirements related to frozen defined benefit (DB) pension plans that have purchased annuities for all DB entitlements under the plan, with most of the annuities meeting the requirements of Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act (PBA).”
I then asked ChatGPT to rewrite multiple variations. The subject and the focus shifted my interpretation as a reader with each variation. Interestingly ChatGPT did not remove the erroneous information or improve the clarity. Maybe there is still a place in the world for writers after all!
If the objective is to make this communication simple and clear, the only path I can see is to go back to the author and clearly understand the “purpose of this guidance.”
I would come back to the author with this suggestion as a starting point.
“The following ABCD regulatory approach applies to administrators of a pension plan where the frozen defined benefit (DB) portion contains a majority of purchased annuities that meet the requirements of Section 43.1 of the Pension Benefits Act.”
My interpretation could be very costly to this organization.
Thanks for testing the waters, Michael. You’ve landed at the foundation of all our writing courses: know your purpose and audience. And, yes—even with great tools that help us improve our writing—there’s still a need for real people to communicate our message clearly.